635 
9 

375 
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Price, 25 Cents 



THE WOMAN OF IT 



Our Friends, the Anti-Suffragists 

By MARY SHAW 





PUBLISHED BY 



The* Dramatic Publishing Company 

CHA.RJLES H SEB.GEL. . PRESIDENT 



t 



!l 



Ptactical Instructions for 
Private Theatricals 

EyW. D. EMERSON 
Author of *'A Country P.omance," "The UnknowD, Rival," 

*'Hun;ble Pie," etc. 



Price, 25 cents 



Here is a practical hand-took, describing in detail all tne 
accessories, properties, scenes and apparatus necessary for an 
amateur production. In addition to the descriptions in words, 
everything is clearly shown in the numerous pictures, more 
than one hundred being inserted in the book. No such useful 
book has ever been offered to the amateur players of any 
country. 

CONTENTS 

Chapter I. Introductory Ee'-iiarks. 

Chapter 11. Stage, How to Make, etc. In drawing-rooms 
or parlors, with sliding or hinged doors. In a single large 
room. The Curtain; how to attach it, and raise it, etc. 

Chapter III, Arrangement of Scenery. How to hang it. 
Drapery, tormentors, wings, borders, drops. 

Chapter IV. Box Scenes, Center door pieces, plain wings, 
door wings, return pieces, etc. 

Chapter V. How to Light the Stage. Oil, gas and electric 
light. Footlights, Sidelights, Kefiectors, How to darken the 
stage, etc. 

Chapter VI. Stage Effects, Wind, Eain, Thunder, Break- 
ing Glass, Falling Buildings, Snow, Water, Waves, Cascades, 
Passing Trains, Lightning, Chimes, Sound of Horses' Hoofs, 
Shots. 

Chapter VII. Scene Painting, 

Chapter VIII, A Word to the Property Mau. 

Chapter IX, To the Stage Manager. 

'Chapter X. The Business Manager. 

Address Orders to 
THE DRAMATIC PUBLISHING COMPANY 

CHICAGO, ILLINOIS 



THE WOMAN OF IT 



or 



Our Friends, the Anti-Suffiragists 



A SATIRICAL COMEDY IN ONE ACT 



BY 

MARY SHAW 



CHICAGO 
THE DRAMATIC PUBLISHING COMPANY 



THE WOMAN OF IT 

or 

Our Friends, the Anti- Suffragists 



CAST OF CHARACTERS. 

Mrs. Allright — President of an Anti-Suffrage Club. 

Mrs. Grundy — A Member of one of our "oldest fam- 
ilies." 

Mrs. Pure-Drivel — The Poetess of a "Lost Cause." 

Mrs. Sweet — An Ideal Wife and Mother. 

Mrs. Grouch — A Dyed - in - the - Wool "Womanly 
Woman, ' ' 

Miss Noodle — Just a beginner at the ' ' Womanly Game. ' ' 

Miss Moore — A Guest of the Club. 

Miss Berry — ^A Guest of the Club. 

Miss Foster — A Guest of the Club. 

Copyright, 1914, by The Dramatic Publishing Company. 

The fee for each amateur performance of this play is 
five dollars, payable in. advance to the publishers. 



APR 13 1914 



0)C!,D 36695 



THE WOMAN OF IT 

The Club room of an Anti-Sujfrage Club. A table for 
the President to preside — tvHh a gavel, paper, pencil and 
note hook. Chairs for members and guests. Any num- 
ber of club ivomen can be used — only the six antis and 
three guests are necessary. President's table centre, 
u'ith chair behind it. The six antis are seated on right 
after they enter. Guests on left. If more ivomen are 
used, they can sit on either side of President — in a semi- 
circle facing audience. The audience represents the 
imaginary men on the Legislative Committee and all the 
cajolery is addressed to them. 

At rise of curtain the stage is empty. Noise of ivomen 
tallxing is heard outside. In a few seconds, Mrs. Allright 
enters, goes to table; busies herself arranging things for 
meeting. Miss Noodle enters ivith sketch of club motto 
in her hands. 

]\Iiss Noodle. — Dearie — [Kisses Mrs. Allright effus- 
ively on both checks]. Here's the finished sketch of the 
motto. [Hands her draiviug.'] 

]\Irs. Allright [Admiringly]. It's perfectly lovely! 
So sweet of you ! Oh, you darling ! [Kisses her again 
gushingly.] 

[Enter Miss Moore, Miss Berry and IMiss Foster.] 

Miss ]\Ioore. Well, Fanny, here we are. 

Mrs. Allright [Embracing ^Iiss Moore]. Oh, you 
dear ; how^ sweet of you to come. How do you do, ^liss 
Berry? [Shaking hands.] And Miss Foster, too — how 
well you are looking! This is our new club room. We 

3 



4 THE WOMAN OF IT 

think it is just too sweet. Oh, allow me — ]\Iiss Noodle, 
may I present — Miss Moore — Miss Berry — ]\Iiss Foster. 
[Miss Noodle shakes each lady's hand effusively. ~\ Sit 
here, please [Indicating chairs to left of table]. There 
will only be a few here this afternoon. It's a sort of 
rehearsal for the ladies who are to speak at the Hearing 
before the Legislative Committee. I thought it such a 
good chance for you to hear our most brilliant speakers 
give their reasons for opposing woman's suffrage. [Goes 
to door and speaks off.] Ladies, will you please come 
right in now. We must begin. 

[The women enter, chattering noisily — greet Miss 
Noodle and continue to laugh and chatter till Mrs. All- 
right calls them to order ivith the pounding of the gavel.] 

Mrs. Alleight [Rapping several times before she can 
get silence]. Ladies, ladies, ladies, please. Here are 
three ladies who ought to join our Club. Miss Moore,* 
Miss Berry, Miss Foster — ladies. [Introduction acknowl- 
edged by mutual bows.~] They say they do not know 
whether they are anti-suffragists or not. But I know 
they are — for they are dear friends of mine — and lovely 
women. So I have invited them to hear the rehearsal 
for the Hearing before the Legislative Committee. 
[Women begin to chatter as soon as she stops speaking.] 
And, ladies, ladies, ladies, please. [Rapping vigorously 
with gavel.'] Before we begin — Miss Noodle has de- 
signed our motto for us. [Takes up sketch and shoivs 
it.'] She has taken our watchwords "I Love You," and 
"Oh, My Dear Baby," and placed them over two inter- 
twined hearts, symbolic of the husband and the child. 
This is to be framed and hung in our clubroom. 

Mrs. Sweet. Isn't that sweet of Miss Noodle? 

Mrs. Grouch. She is such a dear ! 

Mrs. Pure-Drivel. How lovely of her ! 



THE WOMAN OF IT 5 

]\Irs. Allrigiit [Rapping for order] . Ladies, all rise, 
please, and repeat the pledge. "I pledge myself to re- 
member each day and remind other women every 
hour — " 

Women [Repeat in unison]. "I pledge myself to 
remember each day and remind other women every 
hour — " 

Mrs. Allright. " — that there are only two great 
moments in a woman's life — " 

Women [In unison]. "- — that there are only two 
great moments in a woman's life — " 

Mrs. Allright, " — One, when she gives her first kiss 
to her lover — " 

Women [In unison]. " — One, when she gives her first 
kiss to her lover — " 

Mrs. Allright. " — the other when she gives her first 
kiss to her own little l)aby — " 

Women [In unison] . ' ' — the other when she gives her 
first kiss to her own little baby—*-" 

]\Irs. Allright. "—And, no matter what else she 
may have, what else she may gain — " 

Women [In unison]. " — And, no matter what else 
she may have, what else she may gain- — " 

]\Irs. Allright. " — the woman who misses these two 
great moments is still a failure." 

Women [In u)iiso)i]. "the woman who misses these 
two great moments is still a failure." 

Mrs. Allright. Our ]\Iotto: — First great moment — 
"I LOYE YOU." Second great moment— "OH, MY 
DEAR BABY." 

Women [In unison]. First Great INIoment — "I LOVE 
YOU." Second Great Moment— "Oil, MY DEAR 
BABY." 



6 THE WOMAN OF IT 

Miss Foster. There are no old maids in this club, I 
judge. 

Miss Berry. Oh, yes; while there's life — there's 
hope, you know. 

Mrs. Grouch [Rising]. Mrs. President — 

Mrs. Allright [Rapping for order]. Ladies, ladies, 
ladies, please — [When talking stops]. Mrs. Grouch. 

Mrs. Grouch, I am a loyal anti-suffragist — and a 
firm believer in our pledge. But it just makes me tired 
to see how many "failures" among women, who never 
had the two great moments — manage to get so much 
credit. Yes, and from men, too, while we poor things 
who are busy doing our duty are taken as a matter of 
course — and hardly get a ' ' thank you. ' ' 

Mrs. Sweet. Yes, that's so. It isn't fair. 

Miss Noodle. — ^Why is that, Dearie ? 

Mrs. Grouch. Look at that terrible old maid — Queen 
Elizabeth of England! I never heard any man say she 
was a failure. And in our own time — see the sickening 
gush over those old maids, Florence Nightingale — and 
Clara Barton — and Jane Addams — and Susan B. An- 
thony — [Women cover their faces and groan.'] 

Mrs. Grundy. These women are exceptions, my dear. 
They may get praise — but they do not get reverence as 
we do. 

Mrs. Grouch. Well — we may get reverence, tho' I 
have my doubts about that. But we don't get any 
statues erected to us, outside of the cemeteries, and 
they do. 

Miss Noodle. Well, I think that a woman who stands 
being an old maid all her life, deserves a statue. [Women 
laugh and chatter.] 

Mrs. Allright [Rapping for order]. Ladies, ladies, 
ladies, please. We don't want statues nor praise. We 



THE WOMAN OF IT 7 

only want to be loved. To lavish love on something — ■ 
even if the object is unworthy. To waste love if need 
be. For only when we love are we truly womanly. 

]\Irs. Grouch. You say we must waste love on the 
unworthy ? Does that mean we must love those suf- 
fragists? [Folding arms and looking c)'oss.~\ 

JMrs. Allrigiit. No, decidedly not. A true woman 
cannot love unworthy women. She can only love un- 
worthy men. 

j\Iiss Berry. Isn't that odd? 

Mrs. Allrigiit. No, Miss Berry, it is not odd. It is 
woman's mysterious nature. 

Mrs. Pure-Drivel. Mrs. President — 

Mrs. Allrigiit {Rapping for ordcrl. Ladies, ladies, 
ladies, please. [After quiet is restored.'] Mrs. Pure- 
Drivel. 

Mrs. Pure-Drivel. Perhaps you ought to select some- 
one in my place to speak at this Hearing. 1 am divorced, 
you Inov/. I did not waste any time or love on Duncan 
Pnre-Drivcl alter I found out he was unfaithful. Of 
course, 1 did not know then tliat it was unwomanly to be 
indignant. 

Mrs. Grundy. J\Iy dear, I am permitting divorce now. 
Strictly among the very rich. Many of our best families 
are using it. But we selected you for your appearance. 
Unfortunately, there are so few womanly women who 
are stylish, 

]\Iiss Noodle. "Well — did you hear that ? 

]\Irs. Sw^eet. My word ! I like that ! 

Mrs. Grouch. What a knock! [Women protest to 
each other.] 

Mrs. Allright [Rapping for order]. Ladies, ladies, 
ladies, please. IMrs. Grundy only means that womanly 
women spend all their time loving and trying to be good. 



8 THE WOMAN OF IT 

Mrs. Grouch [Angrily jumping up] . I never had to 
try to be good. I always was good. 

Miss Noodle. So was I. The idea! Did you ever? 

Mrs. Pure-Drivel. I never was so insulted in my 
life! Telling me to my face that because I am stylish 
I am not good. [Very indignantly.] 

Mrs. Grundy. My dear Mrs. Pure-Drivel, you are that 
rarest thing on earth — a woman who is both good and 
stylish. [Mrs. Pure-Drivel, soothed by compliment, sits 
down.] 

Mrs. Allright. Ladies, please — we must get to busi- 
ness. We are here today to listen to what our members 
are going to say to the Legislative Committee at the 
Hearing on the Question of Suffrage for Women. After 
the Suffragists have finished I shall make my opening 
speech. It's the same one I make every year. [Throiv- 
ing sheep's eyes at the audience, ivho are the committee.] 
Gentlemen: A woman's proper place is at home. No 
true woman would ever leave it to come here and wran- 
gle about politics. [Applause.] 

Miss Moore. Don't these men think it's funny that 
you do not stay at home, then? 

Mrs. Allright [Annoyed]. Not at all. They know 
I am dragged here to uphold the cause of true woman- 
hood. 

Miss Foster. Why, who drags you here, Fanny? 

Miss Noodle. Yes; I'd like to know, too, who it is 
makes us do this unwomanly thing. My brother asked 
me why we Antis didn't stay at home and practice what 
we preach— and I couldn't tell him. 

Mrs. Allright [With a superior air]. I have no time 
to go into that now. 

Miss Moore. Why do you bother about these other 
women voting, anyway? 



THE WOMAN OF IT 9 

Mrs. Ai.lright. Because if they get the suffrage we 
will have to vote. And we'd rather die than vote. 

Miss Moore. "Why will you have to vote if you do not 
wish to? 

Mrs. Grundy. Obey laws that women make ? Never ! 

Mrs. Grouch. Not on your life! If they vote, we'll 
vote. 

^YoME■N [Together]. Yes, indeed. If they vote — we'll 
vote. 

Mrs. Allright [Beguilinghj] . Gentlemen, love is our 
religion. Husband — home— child. That is our Trinity. 
All the ladies opposed to Suffrage for Women, that I 
shall present to you today, are wives and mothers. Ah, 
those holy words — wives, mothers. They are all man's 
ideal woman. The utterly Avomanly. [Women applaud 
as Mrs. Allright finishes.] Gentlemen, this is Mrs. Sweet 
— an ideal wife and mother. [Women applaud as Mrs. 
Siveet rises.] 

Mrs. Sweet [Embarrassed and giggling]. Oh, dear! 
I am so nervous. I sliall act like a fool. 

Mrs. Grundy. That's all right, my dear. Men expect 
women to act like fools. ]\Irs. President, I suggest that 
we all repeat the first commandment of the "womanly 
law," to encourage Mrs. Sweet? 

Mrs. Allright. A splendid idea, Mrs. Grundy. 
Ladies, repeat the first commandment of the "womanly 
law," please. 

Women [In unison]. "Have as little brains as possi- 
ble and don 't use all you have. ' ' 

Mrs. Grundy. You'll make a great hit with the men. 
Mrs. Sweet. 

Mrs. Sweet [Flattered]. Oh, do you think so? 

Miss Moore [To Miss Berry] . She acts to me as if she 
had the smallest brain in captivity. 



10 THE WOMAN OF IT 

Mrs. Sweet [Putting on Iter sweetest manner, speak- 
ing to audience who represent committee of men'] . Gen- 
tlemen, I don't know anything about this old suffrage 
thing — and I don't want to know anything about it. 
[Women applaud.] But I do know that I have the best 
husband that ever lived. He loves me to distraction, and 
honestly, he thinks I am the only woman in the world. 
My babies are the cutest, dearest babies alive. ]\Iy home 
is simply a paradise. So, why should I want to vote? 
What good would it do me ? 

Miss Moore. Mrs. Sweet would not be compelled to 
vote, would she, Mrs. Allright? 

Mrs. Allright. No, no, of course not. Go on, ]\Irs. 
Sweet. 

]\Irs. Sweet [Looks viciously at Miss Moore, then 
changes to siveet manner]. Women were just made to 
be loved and protected by the strong arm of a loving 
husband. 

Miss Berry. Protected from what, Mrs. Allright ? 

Mrs. Allright. Well, urn — er — er— • I don't know 
exactly. But men are very sensitive on that point, Miss 
Berry. They all say that woman needs protection by 
the strong arm of man — and they know. 

]\Iiss Moore. But don't they usually leave the job to 
the ordinary policeman? 

Mrs. Grundy. But the idea is very beautiful, don't 
you think so. Miss Moore? It is called Chivalry. Men 
say that they can't feel it if a woman claims to be their 
equal. 

Miss Berry. And the more inferior to them a woman 
is the greater they feel the chivalry— is that it? 

Mrs. Allright. Yes. 

Miss Berry. Then a man feels more chivalrous to- 



THE WOMAN OF IT H 

wards a scullery maid or scrub woman than he does to a 
society lady? 

JMrs. Allrigiit. Oh, no; I hardly think so. 

]\riss Berry. Why not? The scrub woman is very 
much more his inferior than the society woman is. 

]\[iss ]\rooRE. Perhaps his chivalry extends a couple 
of notches below himself and then stops working. 

Mrs. Allrigiit. How very clever of you, dear, to 
figure it out for us. 

]\[iss Noodle. Why, I thought Chivalry was raising 
hats to M'omen, carrying their wraps, and rising when a 
woman comes into the room ! 

IMrs. Grouch. Heavens, no ! Those are just parlor 
tricks — like not eating with your knife. 

Mrs. Grundy. Ladies, you had better accept this 
ghost of a beautiful idea and ask no questions. ]\len are 
very sentimental, you know. 

Mrs. Allrigiit. Go on, j\Irs. Sweet, please. 

Mrs. Sweet. Real women don't want to think. They 
just want to ])loom beside man in the home and shed the 
fragrance of their womanhood over his troubled life — as 
The Ladies Home Twaddle so beautifully expresses it. 
[Sits amidst great applause.] 

Mrs. Grundy. Why she is positively inspired! 
Ladies, I predict that Mrs. Sweet is going to be one of 
our finest speakers. 

]\Irs. Allright. I agree with you, Mrs. Grundy. But 
may I suggest, dear, that you leave out the question — 
"What good will it do me to vote?" Never give those 
suffragists a loophole to get in their old statistics. We 
find it far safer to keep to mossgrown platitudes about 
husband, home and children. Then they can't corner us. 



12 THE WOMAN OF IT 

Miss Noodle. Oh, Mrs. Sweet, aren't you going to 
tell your lovely story? 

Mrs. Sweet. Oh, Mrs. President, I forgot my lovely 
story ! 

Mrs. Allrigiit. Oh ! Do tell it, J\lrs. Sweet. 

Mrs. Sweet [Rising, heguilingly] . Gentlemen : I 
knew a suffragist once. Like all of them, she neglected 
her husband and home. Sometimes she never saw her 
baby girl for weeks together. An ignorant nursemaid 
took entire charge of her. The woman spent all her time 
at suffrage clubs. One day, as she was crossing a park, 
she saw a baby carriage with a baby in it tipped up 
against a tree. A jar would have thrown it over. The 
poor little frightened cherub was crying piteously. She 
righted the carriage and tried to soothe the poor, fright- 
ened darling. . A nursemaid, who had been talking to a 
policeman, came running towards her. She was just 
about to demand the address of the mother to report 
what she had seen — Oh, gentlemen, it was her own 
nursemaid. And that miserable, neglected, angel baby 
was her own child. [The six antis are weeping. ~\ Slie 
had seen it so seldom that she did not recognize it. 
Think of it, gentlemen — a mother not to know her own 
baby ! That is what will happen in every home if these 
women get the suffrage. [/S^i^s.] 

LIrs. Allrigitt. That is a terrible story, Mrs. Sweet, 
and only too true. 

J\Iiss Moore. Have the men on the committee any 
sense of humor ? 

Mrs. Allrigiit. I really can't say. I'm afraid I do 
not knoAV Avhat a sense of humor is. Does any anti know 
what a sense of humor is? 

Women [In tur}i\. No — no — no — no. What is it? 



THE WOMAN OF it 13 

Mrs. Allrigiit. You see, nol)Ocly here knows what it 
is, Miss Moore. 

Miss Moore. Yes, I see. 

Mrs. Allright. Gentlemen, our 3'oungest anti, who 
will plead with you for the '-'Girl of the Future," I\liss 
Noodle, gentlemen. 

]\Iiss Noodle [Iiising, heginning sJnjlij and gradually 
getting very modern and familiar]. Gentlemen, I am 
a girl — so I want to say a word for the "Girl of the 
Future." Her fate is in your hands. ]\len will not 
marry wlien women Qlaim to be their equals, and pre- 
tend to think and try to earn real money. So there will 
be no husbands nor liomes for the poor girls of the 
future if these suft'ragists get what they want. I think 
it's real mean and selfish of women who have had the 
two great moments to try to do us girls out of them. 
It's just pure spite — that's what it is. J\ly brother says 
there isn't a woman a man would look at twice who 
wants to vote. He says these suffragists are all disap- 
pointed old maids or "gone to seed" married wouum. 
You men are wise to them, my brother saj^s. Please 
don't take any stock in their saying they are going to 
do fine things for the future race. Why, there will not 
be any future race if they keep on. What's the use of 
girls anyway except for men to make love to? Oh, gen- 
tlemen, gentlemen — please fix it so the girl of the future 
will have a show. [Great applause as she sits down.] 

Mrs. Allrigpit [In a very solemn to)ic]. Ladies,Miss 
Noodle's appeal is like an agonizing cry from, the cradle 
of the humaii race. And now, ladies — before I forget it 
— I must warn you against mentioning, this year, a dear 
old platitude which we have used with telling effect a 
hundred thousand times. Please, please do not say any- 



14 THE WOMAN OF IT 

thing about the vast hordes of disreputable, immoral 
women who will rush to the polls and contaminate the 
pure wives and mothers Avhile they are voting. 

Miss Moore. But I understood you to say that the 
pure wives and mothers will never vote. 

Mrs. Allright. Please, Miss Moore, this is very im- 
portant. Ladies, it seems that in those dreadful places 
where women vote now — [Women cover their faces 
ivith their hands and, groan.'] The disreputable women 
are as bitterly opposed to woman suffrage as the womanly 
women are. 

Mrs. Pure-Drivel. Infamous! How dare a disrep- 
utable woman pretend to have a womanly feeling ! 

Miss Noodle. Why is that. Dearie? 

Mrs. Allright [Coughing, embarrassed]. Ahem! 
Ahem ! I 'd rather you didn 't hear the reason they give, 
child. Please stop up your ears. []\Iiss Noodle puts 
fingers in her ears.] They say it will hurt their business 
— which is to please men. 

Miss Moore : Why, that is your business, too — isn 't it, 
ladies? [Laughing heartily.] Well, I must say that is 
a good joke on you! [All three visitors laugh uproar- 
ously. Antis look at one another amazed.] 

Mrs. Grundy. Oh, it's too bad we must give up that 
lovely pipe-dream ! It was such an effective argument. 

Miss Moore. You Antis all seem so satisfied with 
things as they are. Isn't there one right as a woman 
that any of you would like to claim? 

Mrs. Grouch. Yes; there's one right I'd like to 
have — 

Miss Moore. Good ! What is it, Mrs. Grouch ? 

Mrs. Grouch. The right to look just as God made 
me. I'd like to be as fat and bald and homely as men 
have the right to be — and not be expected to apologize 



THE WOMAN OF IT 15 

and do penance for it all my life. With all the rights 
these suffragists are digging up — it's a wonder to me 
they never thought of the right to be homely. I wish we 
women could unite and go on strike on this "beauty" 
business! I believe it would settle the whole ''woman" 
question. 

]\Irs. Sweet. Oh, ]\Irs. President, if women did that — 
there wouldn't be any "Beauty Column" on the 
Avoman's page of the newspapers. And I just dote on 
the beauty column. 

Miss Moore. Why, Mrs. Sweet, those "How I Keep 
Myself Beautiful" articles in the papers are all written 
by men. They pay the "Beauties" who are supposed 
to write them a hundred dollars a week for the use of 
their names. The "Beauties" never even see them. It 
is a conspiracy between the druggists and the newspaper 
editors. 

Mrs. Sweet. Now, that isn 't true ! My sister-in-law 
has a neighbor who met a Avoman at an afternoon tea 
wdio told her that she had a cousin who knew a lady 
once who had a friend who talked with a girl Avho was 
a maid to Lillian Russell. 

Mrs. Allright [Eapping for order]. Ladies, ladies, 
please. Mrs. Grouch says she does not care to speak at 
the Hearing, so I am going to excuse her. But I do hope 
she will tell us w'hat she intended to say if she had de- 
cided to go. 

Women. Oh do, Mrs. Grouch — please. 

Mrs. Grouch [Kising]. Ladies, I know men through 
and through. I've had eight brothers, two husbands 
and four sons. Fourteen men in the family has given 
me all the practice I need in fooling and palavering 
men. If a woman has only one or two men to practice 
on she should seize every opportunity, like these Hear- 



16 THE WOMAN OF IT 

iiigs, to keep her hand iu. That's how you become 
experts at the game. Those suffragists are all on to your 
tricks — ^but what do you care? If those deluded women 
think they are going to get anything that men want to 
keep themselves — let them go ahead and try to get it. 
You and I know that the way to get things out of men 
is to throw dust in their eyes by wheedling, coaxing and 
flattering them. The moment I put my eye on a Avoman 
I can tell just how much she knows of the game. You 
antis are all more or less expert bluffers. That's why 
I am an anti! I have only one reason for opposing 
Woman Suffrage. And it is this : I never found any 
work a man didn't want some woman to help him do — 
especially the uninteresting, drudgery part of it — ^never 
one single thing except voting. And I say — if there's 
one thing on earth that men want to do all alone, for 
Heaven's sake, let them do it. Encourage them. [All 
the ivomen laugh heartily, hut as if Mrs. Grouch was 
joking.'] 

Mrs. Allright. Dear Mrs. Grouch, you are always 
so amusing ! [To visitors.] ]\Irs. Grouch is one of our 
stanchest members, but she must have her little joke. 
[Changing her tone to one of deep significance.'] And 
now, gentlemen, I have the honor to present to you Mrs. 
Duncan Pure-Drivel, the Poetess of our Cause. 

Mrs. Pure-Drivel [Rises — amidst great applause. 
Takes attitude of deference to imaginary men — rolls 
languishing eyes at them. — keeps through her speech the 
Circe tone and manner of luring men through sex attrac- 
tion. The manner sexual, the matter she speaks sup- 
posedly intellectual, is what drings out the humor of the 
role]. Gentlemen, I am a woman. [Pause.] Have al- 
ways been a woman. [Pause.] And I pray God, may 
alwaj^s remain a woman, sp I can tell vou how a woman 



THE WOMAN OF IT 17 

feels. A woman cannot reason — so she can never under- 
stand i.or help to make laws. But she has something 
far higher than reason — a Divine intuition. This Divine 
intuition i.s of no use to women outside of the kitchen 
aiid i.ursery, for, infinitely above reason as it is, it can- 
not coini)rehei.d the aftairs of state. Yet its discovery 
by men was a stroke of genius, for it enables them to lay 
the burden of the morals of the universe on women. This 
is the spiritual essence of it. A baby girl has within 
her at the moment of birth the iiituitive knowledge of 
good aiid evil. So ;iiiy sin a woman commits is done 
deliberately, debanlly against the laAV of her nature. 
That is why there should be no pity for erring women. 
2\lan, it seems, has to learn slowly and painfully by rea- 
son what si-i is. That is why it is just that men should 
cS('ape punishment while they are learning the lesson of 
life. AVhy the same moral laws cannot be made for men 
and women. AVhy a man must be forgiven again and 
again — even unto the end. 

JMiss Moore [Aside to Miss Berry] . AA^ell, for a 
divorced woman, 1 call that triumphant nerve ! 

jMiss Berry. She's looking for number two, remem- 
ber. 

j).[rs. Pure-Drivel [Arrainging, ivith extended finger 
the imaginary suffragists]. Those women, for they seem 
to be women, tho' it is hard to believe it — declare that 
our morals and our stupidity have been forced on us by 
men for their own comfort and convenience. I deny it — 
in the name of womanhood. Our morals and stupidity 
were given us by God. They are our mysterious lure 
which no man will ever fathom, yet does not wish to 
escape. Before Time was — it was decreed by Heaven, 
that nuui should speak of woman as his superior, treat 
her as his inferior. So no more talk of ballots and of 



18 THE WOMAN OF IT 

laws. We are satisfied with our empire over the hearts 
of men. We are content to be queens by Divine right of 
sex. [Applause.^ 

Miss Noodle. Wonderful! 

Mrs. Allrigelt. Splendid ! 

Mrs. Grundy. Marvelous! 

Mrs. Grouch. Perfectly magnificent ! 

Mrs. Allright. Mrs. Pure-Drivel, I almost wish I 
might have put you down to speak last — your effort is so 
poetical, so original, so irresistibly convincing. But Mrs. 
Grundy always has the last word — and she is the bul- 
wark of our cause. So, gentlemen, our best beloved 
leader and supporter, Mrs. Grundy. [Applause.~\ 

Mrs. Grundy [Rising] . Gentlemen, I have been your 
good old friend from time immemorial. The I\lrs. 
Grundys have worked faithfully through all the ages to 
keep women in their proper spheres. You men couldn't 
have done it without ]\Irs. Grundy's help. Don't rise, 
gentlemen, you overwhelm me with your homage. Keep- 
ing women in their proper sphere has never been an easy 
task, but during the last ten years I have been severa] 
times on the point of giving it up as a bad job. Of 
course, I have kept up a splendid bluff, pretending noth- 
ing unusual was happening, but deep within me I know 
this abominable heresy of woman suffrage is going to be 
the death of men. And that last news from California — 
87,000 more women than men registered to vote — has 
put a crimp in me that never will come out. Now, gen- 
tlemen, I have heard all your reasons why women are 
cutting these capers, but none of you have hit on the 
right one. It is not education, nor industrial condi- 
tions, nor any of the things you lay it to. The trouble 
began way back in the fourth century, when some mis- 



THE WOMAN OF IT 19 

guided Fathers of the Church met together in solemn 
conclave and decided by a bare majority vote — just one 
vote, gentlemen — think of it — that woman had a soul. 
That she M^as responsible to God — not men — for the 
deeds done in the flesh. How did such an idea ever 
come into their heads, you ask? Very simple. They 
wanted women to support the church and had to offer 
them a so1.il to get them interested. Of course, they 
did not give woman a soul of her own. They gave her 
only as much of a soul as it was safe and convenient for 
her to have. The kind of one they could take back if it 
didn't work right. They knew the innate stupidity of 
wor.ia.i. They were perfectly sure she would go on pil- 
ing ir> the power and glory a:xl profit of men in the 
church and never once think of sharing in it. And so 
she did for fifteen centuries, when suddenly a woman 
arose, alone and unaided, who, without asking permis- 
sion of any Pope, or offering to share any power or 
glory with men, put herself at the head of a new religion 
— Mary Baker Eddy. Now, wdiat has happened in the 
church is going to happen in the state. If you give 
women the ballot — if you make them mayors, judges and 
governors — where will it end ? There are a million more 
women than men. They'll outvote you, finally. Set up 
a new code of morals. Oh, I know — women are not 
creative. But oh, they are splendidly imitative. They 
will give you an imitation of yourselves that will paralyze 
you. Punish men for sin and let women escape. Give 
you their names at marriage, so you lose all your iden- 
tity. Pay you for your work, with love and flattery and 
keep the hard cash. In short, gentlemen, turn the tallies 
on you. There is only one remedy. You must use it and 
use it quickly. Take away women's souls! Giving 



20 THE WOMAN OF IT 

women souls was the cause of all the trouble. If you 
can't do that, gentlemen, it is utterly hopeless. [All the 
antis are greatly excited over the end of this speech and 
moaning as if in the face of some great calamity.] 

JMrs. Allright [ Weeping, slightly hysterical] . Gen- 
tlemen, I can hardly control my feelings sutHeiently' to 
close our testimony after Mrs. Grundy's aAvful warning. 
But dear, dear gentlemen, please do not let them make 
us sheriffs and aldermen — 

Antis [Going down on Jcnecs, ivitJi outstretched arms, 
pleading]. Oh don't gentlemen, please — 

]\Irs. Allright. Do not let them make us mayors 
and governors — 

Women [Still on knees, pleadincj]. No, no, gentlemen, 
please don't, don't. 

Mrs. Allright. Save us — oh save us from this aAvful 
fate! 

Women [Crying out agonizi)igly]. Save us, oh save 
us, gentlemen ! 

Mrs. Allright. For we will die — yes, gladly lay 
down our lives — ^before we are forced to become senator.-; 
ard presidents. [Shrieks of horror from the antis.] 

Miss Moore [After excitement has cahned down a lit- 
tle goes to console Mrs. Allright]. Oh nonsense, 
Fanny, there isn't any danger of women being forced 
into high political offices. 

Mrs. Grundy. Yes there is, young woman. At the 
rate these suffragists are gairJng ground — I should not 
wonder if some one here lived to see a woman president. 
[More shrieks from antis and hystericcd iveeping.] 

IMiss Berry [Shaking hands with ]Mrs. Allright]. 
Good-bye — we must go now. Thank you very much, 
ladies. 



THE WOMAN OF IT 21 

Miss Poster. Yes; Ave have enjoyed it very niiu-li. 

Mrs. Allright. Wouldn't you like to join our club'/ 

Miss Berry. We cannot, 

Mrs. Allright. Why, haven't you decided after what 
you have heard? 

JMiss Berry. Oh yes; we have found- out we are suf- 
fragists. 

Women. Suffragists ! 

Mrs. Grouch. I knew they were suffragists the 
minute I put my eyes on them. 

Miss ]\1oore. The other night I told a friend I was 
going to a suffragist meeting to find out whether I was 
a suffragist or not. "Don't" she said. "Go to an anti- 
suffrage meeting; they'll make a suffragist of you at 
short notice." Everybody says you make more converts 
to equal suffrage than the suffragists do. , 

Miss Berry. Do you always do it so quickly? It is 
wonderful ! 

Mrs. Allright. What are you talking al)out? 

Miss ]\Ioore. Well frankly, ladies, we have discov- 
ered your secret. 

]\Irs. Allright. Our secret? 

]\Iiss ^Ioore. Yes; and it's awfully clever. I must 
congratulate you. Ha ! Ha ! 

Miss Foster. We thought at first you really meant 
it all, didn't we? [Lauglis]. 

Miss Moore. Then it dawned on us that it was all a 
delicious farce. 

Mrs. Allright. A farce? 

JMiss Berry. It's a splendid game. To guy the 
"utterly womanly" so successfully that the most in- 
different woman flies to suffrage as a haven of dignity 
and self respect. 



22 THE WOMAN OF IT 

Miss Foster. You and the suffragists are both work- 
ing together, in different waj'^s, to convert all women 
to suffrage, aren't you? 

Miss Mo.ore. But the crowning joke of all is when 
you and the suffragists go to a legislative hearing, pre- 
tending to be at daggers drawn and convert the men on 
the committee. For even a man must resent the dose of 
flattery you plaster over them. 

Miss Foster. How do you keep your faces straight, 
ladies ? 

Miss Berry. Do you and the suffragists wink at each 
other when the men are not looking? 

Mrs. Allright. What are you women trying to say? 

Miss Berry. Oh, don't be afraid. We'll not give it 
away. 

Miss Foster. No, indeed. We will send up all llie 
raw material we can collect for you to make svilfra- 
gists of. 

Miss Moore. We are going right down to enroll our- 
selves as suffragists; collect some literature, and get 
busy. 

Miss Berry. And we'll tell them at headquarters 
that they will have to hustle or the antis will have them 
beaten to a frazzle in making converts to Woman 
Suffrage ! ' ' Votes for Women ! ' ' 

Guests [March out as if waving imaginary banners 
and call out together]. "Votes for Women!" "Votes 
for WOMEN ! " " Votes for Women ! ' ' 

Mrs. Grundy. Spies ! Those women are spies ser.t 
here to trap us. 

[Women crotvd about Mrs. Allright, ivho has col- 
lapsed.] 

Miss Noodle. What can we do for you, dearie? 



THE WOMAN OF IT 23 

Mrs. Grouch. She needs a good, siroiig bracer. What 
do you say to a lemon soda, Fanny ? 

Mrs. Allright [Beviviitg]. And I called them my 
friends — such ingratitude ! 

]\Irs. Grouch. To the nearest drug store, ladies. 
Forward — march ! The :-:odas are on me ! 

[Women lead Mrs. Allright out — protesting about 
her friends ] 



A Woman's Honor 

A Drama in Four Acts 

By JOHN A. FRASER 
Author of "A Noble Outcast," "Santiago," "Modern Ananias," eto. 

Price, 25 cents 

Seven male, three female characters. Plays two hours. Fo\ 
Intense dramatic action, thrilling climaxes, uproarious comedy ana 
a story of absorbing romantic interest, actors, either professional 
or amateur, will find few plays to equal "A Woinan's Honor." 
With careful rehearsals they will find a sure hit is made every time 
without difficulty. 

CAST OF CHARACTERS 

General Mark Lester. A Hero of the Cuban Ten Tears' War.. Lead 

Pedro Mendez. His half brother Heavy 

Dr. Garcia. Surgeon of the Madaline. , .Straight 

Gilbert Hall, M. D. In love with Olive Juvenile 

Robert Glenn. A Wall Street Banker Old man 

Gregory Grimes. Lester's Private Secretary Eccentric Comedy 

Ebenezer. Glenn's Butler Negro Comedy 

Olive J Glenn's ^ Juvenile lead 

Sally ( Daughters J Soubrette 

Maria. Wife of Pedro Character 

NOTE. — Glenn and Garcia may double. 

Act 1. The Glenn Mansion, New Tork City. 

Act 2. The Isle of Santa Cruz, off San Domingo. One month 
later. 

Acts 3 and 4. Lester's home at Santa Cruz. Five months later. 
Between Acts 3 and 4 one day elapses. 

SYNOPSIS OF INCIDENTS 

Act 1. Handsome drawingroom at Glenn's. Sally and Ebenezer. 
"I isn't imputtinent, no, no, Missy." "Papa can't bear Gregory 
Grimes, but I'm going to marry him, if I feel like it." "Going' 
away?" "I was dizzy for a moment, that was all." "This mar- 
riage is absolutely necessary to prevent my disgrace." "General 
Lester, you are a noble man and I will repay my father's debt of 
honor." "Robert Glenn is dead." 

Act 2. Isle of Santa Cruz. "Mark brings his Anierican bride to 
his home today." "You and I and our child will be no better than 
servants." "How can I help but be happy with one so good and 
kind?" "It means that I am another man's wife." "Dat's mine; 
don't you go to readin' my lub lettahs in public." 

Act 3. Sitting-room in Lester's house. "What has happened?" 
"Is my husband safe?" "Break away, give your little brother a 
chance." "To tell the truth, my heart is breaking." "Debt of 
duty! and I was fool enough to think she loved me." 

Act 4. "The illness of the general has an ugly look." "The 
gossips have it she would rejoice to be rid of her husband." "Tho 
Gilbert Hall I loved is dead." "Standing on the brink of the grave, 
my vision is clearer." "Forgive, and I will devote my life to 
making you happy in order to repay the debt I owe ycu — a debt of 
honor." 

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CHICAGO, ILLINOIS 



Diamonds and Hearts 

A Comedy Drama in Three Acts 

By EFFIE \?r. MERRIMAN 

Price^ 25 cents 

This play has become one of the most popular in America. The 
good plot, the strong- "heart" interest, and the abundant comedy 
all combine to make a most excellent drama. "Bub" Barnes is a 
fine character of the Josh Whiteomb type, and his sister is a worthy 
companion "bit." Sammy is an excruciatingly funny little darkey. 
The other characters are good. Fine opportunity for introducing 
specialties. The play has so many good points that it never fails 
to be a success. 

CAST OF CHARACTERS 

BERNICE HALSTEAD, a young lady of eighteen, with an affec- 
tion of the heart, a love for fun and liatred of arithmetic 

AMY HALSTEAD, her sister, two years younger, fond of frolic. 

INEZ GRAY, a young lady visitor, willing to share in the fun 

MRS. HALSTEAD, a widow, and stepmother of the Halstead girls 

HANNAH iVIARY BARNES, or "Sis," a maiden lady who keeps 
house for her brother , 

DWIGHT BRADLEY, a fortune hunter and Mrs. Halstead's son 
'by a former marriage 

DR. BITRTON, a young physician 

SAMMY, the darkey bell-boy in the Halstead house 

ABRAHAM BARNES, or "Bub," a yankee farmer, still unmar- 
ried at fortv — a diamond in the rough 

ATTORNEY; SPIERIFP 

Time of playing, two hours. 
Two interior scenes. Modern costumes. 

SYNOPSIS OF INCIDENTS 

Act. 1. Parlor of the Halstead home. The young doctor. The 
three girls plot to make his acquaintance. An aifection of the heart. 
"Easy to fool a young doctor," but not so easy after all. The step- 
mother and her son. The stolen diamonds. The missing will. 
Plot to win Bernice. "I would not marry Dwight Bradley for all 
the wealth the world contains." Driven from home. 

Act 2. Kitchen of the Barnes' farm house. Bub takes off his 
boots. The new school ma'am. "Supper's ready." "This is our 
'aephew and he's a doctor." Recognition. A difficult problem in. 
arithmetic. Tlie doctor to the rescue. "I'm just the happiest girl 
In the world." "I've come to pop the question, an' why don't I 
do it?" Brother and sister. "If it's a heifer, it's teh be mine." 
The sberiff. Arrested for stealing the diamonds. "Let me knock 
yer durned head off." The jewels found in Bernice's trunk. 

Act 3. Parlor of the Halstead home. "That was a lucky stroke 
— hiding those diamonds in her trunk." The schemer's plot miscar- 
ries. Abe and Sammy join hands. The lawyer. "Bully for her." 
Bradley tries to escape. "No, ye don't!" Arrested. "It means, 
dear, that you are to be persecuted no more." Wedding presents, 
and a war dance around them. "It is no trick at all to fool a 
young doctor." 

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CHICAGO. EJJNOIS 



Santiago 

OR 

For the Red, White and Blue 
A "W"at Drama in Fowr Acts 

By lOHN A. ERASER 
Price, 25 cents 

CHARACTERS 

Capt. Oscar Hutton, TJ. S. A. In love with Cora. .!Leadin^ Juvenile 

Lieut. Fisk, U. S. A. In love with his duty Juvenile bit 

Milton Merry, U. S. N. In love with Bess Light Comedy 

Lieut. Cristobal, S. A. In love with soldiering Straight 

Dr. Harrison, Red Cross H. S. In love with surgery 

Straight old man 

Elmer Walton, banker. In love with Spanish bonds 

Character old man 

Phillip Basset, his stepson. In love with Ysobel Juvenile 

Fernando Diaz, Walton's cashier, afterwards S. A. In love with 

Cora Heavy 

Beverly Brown, Walton's butler, afterwards Red Cross H. S. In 

love with chickens Negro Comedy 

Cornelius Dwyer, Walton's coachman, afterwards U. S. A. In 

love with "Naygurs" Irish Comedy 

Antonio Carlos, a Cuban planter. In love with Spain 

Character old man 

Cora Basset, Walton's stepdaughter. In love with Oscar. .Juvenile 

Bess Walton, Walton's daughter. In love with Milton Ingenue 

Ysobel Carlos, Antonio's daughter. In love with Phillip. .. .Juvenile 
American Soldiers, American Sailors, Spanish Soldiers, Guerillas, 
Actual time of playing, two hours. 

^SYNOPSIS 

ACT I. The ball at Walton's, Washington, D. C. Handsome in- 
terior. 

ACT II. The Red Cross Hospital. First day's battle of Santiago. 
Exterior. 

ACT III. Scene 1. — Interior Guerilla headquarters in the Sierra 
Cobra, near Santiago. Scene 2. — Exterior. The underbrush of Si- 
erra Cobra. Scene 3. — Fight in the mountain pass, second day's 
battle of Santiago. Exterior. 

ACT IV. Hotel Tacon, Santiago, on the night of the surrender. 
Interior. 

NOTE. — Walton, Dr. Harrison and Carlos may double easily, and 
the piece played with nine males, three females. 

The best Cuban war play ever written. Easy to produce, but 
very effective. Thrilling situations, fine comedy, intense climaxes. 
Comic Irishman and Negro. Three magnificent female parts. Pic- 
turesque Spanish villain and heroic juvenile lead. No special scen- 
ery is required, as every regular theatre, in its ordinary equip- 
ment, has every set called for. Adapted to both professional ana 
imateur companies. 

Address Orders to 

THE DRAMATIC PUBLISHING COMFAKY 

CHICAGO. ILLINOIS 



Dumont^s 
Minstrel Joke Book 



Price, 25 cents 



A Collection of jokes arranged for End-Men, both professional and 
amateur. Never before collected and published in a clear manner 
and with bright dialogue for End-Men and Interlocutor. They 
form a book of the newest, most humorous and quaintest matter 
ever arranged. Any reader may, with assured success, dtUver them 
to any assemblages before whom he may appear. 

Mr. Dumont himself says: "This collection of jokes and dia- 
logues is the careful gathering of years — and only the best ana 
'sure laugh' producers are incorporated in this book." 



PARTIAL CONTENTS 

Arithmetic of Love, "Ask a Policeman," All about Novels, At Nia- 
gara Falls, "A. P. A." and Bricks, Advantages of Education, All 
Sorts, Army and its Soldiers, Bad Case of Lying, Base Ball, Breach 
of Promise, Burglars, Boston's Correct Language, Bravery in Battle, 
Fishing, Funny Signs and Borrowed Pants, Fish makes Brains, 
Firing off the Cannon, Climatic Changes, Clancy as a Diver, 
"Couldn't find a Policeman," Colonel Pepper, "Curiosities for Mu- 
seums," Conundrums, Cruelty to Animals, Country and Don't Drink, 
Couldn't take the Job, Comic Recitations, Cork Leg, "Casablanca," 
"Dreams," Ducks and Indians, Dutchman's Bet, "Daniel." Eating 
Dumplings, Epitaphs, Editing a Newspaper, Eating by Weight, Ed- 
ucated Horse, The Mule Battery, "Making Both Ends Meet," The 
Mind Reader, Missed the Hearse, Mixed Breed of Chickens, Married 
into a me.rn Family, Makinga Pair of Shoes, Man's Ribs and Angel 
Cake, The New Poet, Never Happened, On the Battlefield, Off to the 
Seat of "War, Our Brothers, Old Cider Barrel, Origin of Songs, 
Opinion on Man and Woman, Gratitude, Hotel Regulations, Hold 
your Head Up, How is Business, How Different Girls Kiss, Hash 
for the Navy, "Has not Caught Me Yet," Irish Monologue, It Rung 
in the Family, "If a River were between all Men and Women," 
Jumping Frog, Kissing, Kiss Sociable, Keep off the Grass, Kissing 
in the Tunnel, Lawyer and Doctor, Lost Umbrella, Liquor Assists 
Nature, Learning the Bike, Love and Matrimony, Law in Alaska, 
Shoemaker's Daughter, Singing at the Party, Storm at Sea, Spot- 
ted Dog, Swallowed an Egg, Second Time on Earth, Signs, Sorry 
he didn't Take it Cold, Progress, Parson's Sermon on Crap Shoot- 
ing, Poultry and Fruit, Power of Language. Perhaps I Will and 
Perhaps I Won't, Peculiarities of Speech, Pumpkin Pie, Patriotic 
Alphabet, Queer Advertisements. Ragged Jacket, Raising Grass- 
hoppers, Taught His Wife a Lesson, Thought it was a Boat-race. 
The Telephone, Thief with a Roman Nose, Taxes on Luxuries, 
Transfusion of Blood, Took the Dead Mans' Dollar, Two Good Liars, 
Three Realistic Dreams, Takes It just the sar le, "Twinkle, Twinkle 
Little Star," Very Good Tip, Very Large Punch Bowl, Very Mean 
Father, "We are Letters," "Went Home for his Pipe," "Why is a 
Ship called "She?" "What is Love?" "We a^e all Bottles," "Wish 
the Gun had gone off," Writing a Novel. 

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CHICAGO. ILLINOIS 



Tompkin's Hired Man t tS^acis 

By EFFIE W. MERRIMAN PRICE, 25 CENTS 

This is a strong play. No finer character than Dixey, the hired 
man, has ever been created in American dramatic literature. He 
compels alternate laughter and tears, and possesses such quaint 
ways and so much of the milk of human kindness, as to make him 
a favorite with all audiences. The other male characters make 
good contrasts: Tompkins, the prosperous, straightforward farmer; 
Jerry, the country bumpkin, and Plemington, the manly young 
American. Mrs. Tompkins is a strong old woman part; Julia, the 
spoiled daughter; Louise, the leading juvenile, and Ruth, the romp- 
ing soubrette, are all worthy of the best talent. This is a fine play 
of American life; the scene of the three acts being laid in the 
kitchen of Tom.pkin's farm house. The settings are quite elaborate, 
but easy to manage, as there is no change of scene. We strongly' 
recommend '"Tompkin's Hired Man" as a sure success. 

CHARACTERS 
Asa Tompkins — A prosperous farmer who cannot tolerate deceit. 
Dixey — The hired man, and one -of nature's noblemen. 
John Remington — A manly young man in love with Louise. 
Jerry — A half-grown, awkward country lad. 
Mrs. Tompkins — A woman with a secret that embitters her. 
Julia — A spoiled child, the only daughter born to Mr. and Mrs. 

Tompkins. 
Louise — The daughter whom Mr. Tompkins believes to be hi^ own. 
Ruth — Mr. Tompkin's niece, and a great romp. 
Plays about tv/o hours. 
SYNOPSIS 

Act 1. 5ewing carpet rags. "John and I are engaged." "Well, 
you can disengage yourself, for you'll never be married." "Mrs. 
Clark, she's took worse." Who makes the cake? Julia declines to 
sew carpet rags. "It would ruin my hands for the piano or my 
painting." Dixey to the rescue. "You take the rags a minute, 
child, and I'll just give that fire a boost." Dixey's story. "It 
breaks his heart, but he gives her away, an' he promises never teh 
let her know as how he's her father." Enter Jerry. "Howdy." 
John gets a situation in the city. Farewell. "It's a dandy scheme, 
all the same. We'll have our party in spite of Aunt Sarah." "Oh, 
I'm so happy." The quartette. Curtain. 

Act 2. Chopping mince meat. The letter. Louise faints. "How 
dare you read a paper that does not concern you?" "You have 
robbed me of my father's love." The mother's story. Dinner. "I 
swan, I guess I set this table v/ith a pitchfork." "Now, Lambkin, 
tell Dixey all 'bout it, can't yer?'* "It looks zif they'd got teh be a 
change here purty darned quick, an' zif I'm the feller 'lected teh 
bring it 'bout." "None o' my bizness, I know, but — I am her 
father!" "It's love the leetle one wants, not money." "If I'd been 
a man, I'd never given my leetle gal away." "I'm dead sot on them 
two prop'sitions." Curtain. 

Act 3. Dixey builds the fire. "Things hain't so dangerous when 
everybodys' got his stummick full." The telegram. "It means that 
Louise is mj' promised wife." "By what right do you insinuate that 
there has been treachery under this roof?" "A miserable, dirty, 
little ivaif, picked up on the streets, and palmed off upon my father 
as his child!" "Oh, my wife, your attitude tells a story that breaks 
my heart." " ifeh druve her to do what she did, an' yeh haint got 
no right teh bia.me her now." "Friend Tompkins, a third man has 
taken our leetle gal an' we've both got teh larn teh git along without 
her. We kin all be happy in spite o' them two sentihiental kids." 
Curtain. Address Orders to 

THE DRAMATIC PUBLISHING COMPANY 

CHICAGO. ILLINOIS 



Joe Ruggles 

OR 

THE GIRL MINER 



A Comedy Drama in Foot Acts 

By FRANK J. DEAN 
Price, 25 cents 

Nine male, three female characters. A visoroiis, stirring pla> 
depicting- peculiar types of life in a large city and in the min:n^ 
districts of the West. The parts of Joe Ruggles, the miner, Han.= 
Von Bush (Dutch dialect), and Richard Hamilton, the scheming 
villain, all afford opportunity for clever work; while the part bf 
Madge (soubrette), who afterwards assumes the character of Mark 
T.yneh. is an excellent one for a briglit young actress. 

Scenery — City street, showing R. R. Station; rocky pass, with 
Bet cabins; a wood scene, and two plain interiors. Costumes of tlK. 
day. Time of playing, two and a half hours. 

SYNOPSIS OF EVENTS 

ACT I-En'rance to Railroad Station 

Looking for a victim — Joe Ruggles — "Them galoots is worse than 
grizzlies" — "Morning papers" — Madge and Bess plying their trades— 
"Can't you sing Joe a song?" — Hamilton and his pal confer — Tom 
Howarth gains inportant information — "Don't you dare to la> 
hands on us!" — Hamilton tries to maintain his authority — "Whoi 
Old Joe!" 

ACT II — Doonisdiy's Hotel. Dare -devil's Gulch, California 

The landlord secures a guest — Hans disappointed — "Dot is a mis- 
dake"- — A ghost story — The "Kid and his sister" — "Did I hurt youi 
highness?" — Hans and Doomsday have another talk — Kate Laurel 
meets the young miner — "Yah, dot vas vot 1 t'inks" — Madge's dis- 
guise penetrated — She recognizes an old enemy — "Now, George 
Smith, take your choice" — Joe Ruggles as a tramp — "Ef yer think 
yer can pick on me because I'm han'some ye'll find me ter hum" — 
Hamilton appears — "Those two youngsters are mine" — The tramp 
takes a hand. 

ACT III— Wood Scene 

A lively ghost — Hamilton and Smith plan more villainy — Old Joe 
thinks of turning Detective — Kate Laurel again— "Tliere is a secret 
connected with my life" — Kate's confession — "What do you mean, 
tiir?"- — Tom Howarth once more — "Vos you looking for a hotel?" — 
Planning an abduction — Old Joe as an Irishman — "Phat does yez 
want wid me?" — Undertakes to he a detective — Takes a hand in 
the abduction — "Do it at your peril." 

ACT IV 

Hans hears, and tells, the latest news — "I nefer pelieved dot 
spook peesness" — Kate Laurel astonished — Hamilton attempts 
flight — "De poys haf got Mr. Hamilton, und dey vill gif him a 
necktie barty" — Arrest of Smith — "Get out mit my vay, I vas de 
United States Mail" — Tom meets his old friend under new circum- 
stances — "Do you want me, Tom?"— Old Joe gives consent — ^A 
iiiappy ending. 

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Capt* Racket 

A Comedy in Tht ee Acts 

By CaiARLES TOWNSEND 



Pr!ce» 25 cents 



This play by Mr. Townsend is probably one of his most populat 
prodaotions; it certainly is one of his best. It is full of action from 
start to finish. Comic situations rapidly follow one after another, 
and the act endings are especially strong- and lively. Every char- 
acter is good and affords abundant opportunity for effective work. 
Can be played by live men and three women, if desired. The 
same scene is used for all the acts, and it is an easy interior. A 
most excellent play for repertoire companies. No seeker for a 
good play can afford to ignore it. 

CHARACTERS 

CAPT. ROBERT RACKET, one of the National Guard. A lawyer 

when he has nothing else to do, and a liar all the time 

Comedy lead 

OBADIAH DAWSON, his uncle, from. Japan, "where they make 
tea" Comedy old man 

TIMOTHY TOL/MAN, his friend, who married for money, and is 
sorry for it Juvenile man 

MR. DALROT, his father-in-law, jolly old cove Eccentric 

HOBSON, waiter from the "Cafe Gloriana," who adds to the 
confusion Utility 

CLARICE, the Captain's pretty v/ife, out for a lark, and up to 
"anything awful" Comedy lead 

MRS. TOLMAN, a lady with a temper, who finds her Timothy a 
vexation of spirit Old woman 

KATT, a mischievous maid Soubrette 

TOOTSY, the "Kid," Tim's olive branch Props. 

SYNOPSIS 

Act I. Place: Tim's country home on the Hudson near New 
York. Time: A breezy morning in September. The Captain's 
fancy takes a flight and trouble begins. 

Act II. Place: the same. Time: the next morning. How one 
yarn requires another. "The greatest liar unhung." Now the 
trouble increases and the Captain prepares for war. 

Act III. Place: the same. Time: Evening of the same day. 
More misery. A general muddle. "Dance or you'll die." Cornered 
at last. The Captain owns up. All serene. 

T^ime of playing; Two hours. 

Address Orders to 

THE DRAMATIC PUBLISHING COMPANY 

CHICAGO. ILLINOIS 



The Spinsters^ Convention 

(The Original 
Old Maids' Convention) 



Price^ 25 cents 



An evening's entertainment whicli is always a sure tit anti 
a money-maker. Has been given many hundred times by 
scnools, societies and churches, with the greatest success. Aa 
evening of refined fun. It requires from twelve to twenty 
ladies and two gentlemen, although ladies may take the two 
male parts. A raised platform "with curtains at the back is 
all the stage requires, but a fully equipped opera stage may 
be utilized and to great advantage. 

Kidiculous old maid costumes, with all their frills and fur- 
belows, their cork-screw curls, mittens, work bags, bird cages, 
etc., are the proper costumes. Later on in the program somf> 
pretty young women in modern evening dress are required., 
The latter should each be able to give a number of a mis- 
cellaneous program, that is, be able to sing, play some instru- 
ment, dance, whistle or recite well. 

This entertainment utilizes all sorts of talent, and gives 
each participant a good part. Large societies can give every 
member something to do. 

SYNOPSIS 

Gathering' o' the Members of the Societj' — The Roll-Call — The 
Greeting Song — Minutes of the last meeting — Report of The Treas- 
urer — Music: "Sack Waltz" — A paper on 'V5''oman's Rights — Song: 
"No One to Love, None to Caress." — Reading of "Marriage Statis- 
tics" — The Advent of the Mouse — Initiation of two Candidates into 
the Society — The Psalm of Marriage — Secretary's Report on Eligible 
Men — A Petition to Congress — Original Poem hy Betsv Bobbett — 
Song: "Why Don't the Men Propose?"— Report of The Vigilance 
Committee — An Appeal to the Bachelors — Prof. Make-over — The 
Remodelscope. -Testimonials — The Transformation and a miscel- 
laneous program. 

Address Orders to 

THE DRAMATIC PUBLISHING COMPANY 

CHICAGO, ILLINOIS 



The Outcast's Daughter t FrActs 

By MARION EDDY PRICE, 25 CENTS 

Ten male, five female and one child characters. Plays two and 
one-half hours. "Modern costumes. Three interior, one exterior 
scenes, all easily arranged where there is any scenery at hand. No 
stronger melodrama has been given the play-loving public. Full of 
the strongest appealing heart interest, intense, pathetic, real life, 
where joy and laughter are mingled with pathos and suffering, but 
all ending happily. A melodrama without a villain or the use of 
firearms. Amateurs may play it successfully, it plays itself, and 
it is adapted to strong repertoire companies. 

CAST OF CHARACTERS 

Carl Faber An ex-convict 

Howard Ross A manufacturer 

Dennis Hogan Servant to Ross 

Abel Gardener to Ross 

Judge Havens Of the police court 

Recorder Of the police court 

Lettner Clerk of police court 

Second Court Clerk Clerk of police court 

Two policemen 

Little Hugo Agatha's child 

Agatha Steme Ross' bookkeeper 

Ida Rheinhold A retired singer 

Mrs. Wilmuth A washerwoman 

jCatie Factory girl 

Frances Factory girl 

SYNOPSIS OF SCENES 

Act 1. Ross' private office. "What has given me the honor of 
this visit?" "I will never sing again. My life has been a sad 
failure." "Good God! My mother!" "I have done wrong, I confess, 
but when a mother asks, a child must forgive. Oh, Mr. Ross, help 
me." "Tou, my rich and famous mother, to you I was nothing, 
and you — you are nothing — nothing to me." "Agatha! Agatha! 
My child! My child!" 

Act 2. Agatha's attic. "My poor father. So young and strong. 
How I could have loved him." "Yes, Katie is right, I have nothing 
but bread for my sweet child." "Madam, I vould lie if I say she 
vas anything but a lady." "On the other side, towards the garden, 
there are a few rooms I have never used. If you will take 
them " "You do not look like a man who could commit mur- 
der. How was it?" "I was a weak man and many misfortunes 
made me desperate." "My picture! I must be mad." "You are 
good, child, but you shall not call me father." "Father! Father!" 

Act 3. Ross' Garden. "He is so good to me, but I cannot forget 
my poor unhappy father." "The picture was taken when I was 
young. He shall have it." "Stay here and be my wife." "That 
suspicious old man is in the garden." "For her I sacrificed every- 
thing." "Do you want to go to prison again?" "My father needs 
me to defend and comfort him." 

Act 4. A Police Court. "Do not ask me, your honor — I am an 
'^x-convict." "Your silence will not help you." "It vas dark und 
Mrs. Steme vas that scared she vas faint." "I hope, sor, yer honor 
believes in a future life, sor." "He wished to see his child; I am 
his child." "Grandfather, we love you." "I am his wife. Do not 
condemn him." 

Address Orders to 

THE DRAMATIC PUBLISHING COMPANY 
CHICAGOilUINOJS 



Hageman^s Make-Up Book 

By MAURICE HAGEMAN 

Pricet 25 cents 

t ifi importance of an effective malce-up is becoming' more appar* 
ent to tiie professional actor every year, but liitherto there lias been 
no book on the subject describing the modern methods and at the 
same time covering all branches of the art. This want has now 
been filled. Mr. Hageman has had an experience of twenty years 
as actor and stage-manager, and his well-known literary ability has 
enabled him to put the knowledge so gained into shape to be of 
use to others. The book is an encyclopedia of the art of making up. 
Every branch of the subject is exhaustively treated, and few ques- 
tions can be asked by professional or amateur that cannot be an- 
swered by this admirable hand-book. It is not only the best make- 
up book ever published, but it is not likely to be superseded by 
any otiier. It is absolutely indispensable to every ambitious actor 

CONTENTS 

Chapter I. General Remarks. 

Charjter II. Grease-Paints, their origin, components and use. 

Chapter III. The Make-up Box. Urease-Paints. Mirrors, Face 
Powder and Puff, Exora Cream, Rouge, Liquid Color, Grenadine, 
Blue for the Eyelids, Brilliantine for the Hair, Nose Putty, Wig 
Paste, Mascaro, Crape Hair. Spirit Gum. Scissors, Artists' Stomps, 
Cold Cream, Cocoa Butter, Recipes for Cold Cream. 

Chapter IV. Preliminaries before iVlaking up; the Straight Make- 
up and how to remove it. 

Chapter V. Remarks to Ladies. Liquid Creams, Rouge, Lips, 
Eyebrows, Eveiashes. Character Role.s, Jewelry, Removing Make-up. 

Chapter VI. Juveniles. Straight Juvenile Make-up, Society 
Men, Young Men in 111 Health, with Red Wigs, Rococo Make-up, 
cj n n fi s W rists Chst"ks GtC. 

Chapter VII.' Adults', Middle Aged and Old Men. Ordinary Type 
of Ma/ihood, Lining Colors, Wrinkles, Rouge, Sickly and Healthy 
Old Age, Ruddy Complexions. 

Chapter VIII. Comedy and Character Make-ups. Comedy Ef- 
fects, \Vi.gs. Beards, Eyebrows. Noses, Lips, Pallor of Death. 

Chapter IX. The Human Features. The Mouth and Lips, the 
Eyes and Eyelids, the Nose, the Chin, the Ear, the Teeth. 

Chapter X. Other Exposed Parts of the Human Anatomy. 

Chapter XI. Wigs, Beards, Moustaches, and Eyebrows. Choosing 
a Wig, Powdering the Hair, Dimensions for Wigs, Wig Bands, Bald 
Wigs, Ladies' Wigs, Beards on Wire, on Gauze, Crape Hair, Wool, 
Beards for Tramps, Moustaches, Eyebrows. 

Chapter XII. Distinctive and Traditional Characteristics. North 
American Indians, New England Farmers, Hoosiers, Southerners, 
Politicians, Cowboys, Minors, Quakers, Tramps, Creoles, Mulattoes, 
Quadroons, Octoroons, Negroes. Soldiers during War, Soldiers dur- 
ing Peace, Scouts, Pathfinders, Puritans, Eai-iy Dutch Settlers, 
Englislimen, Scotchmen, Irishmen, Frenchmen, Italians, Spaniards, 
Portuguese, South Americans, Scandinavians, Ger.n:ians, Hollanders. 
Hungarians, Ginsies. Russians, Turks, Arabs, Moors. Caffirs. Aby.s- 
sinians, Hindoos, INIalays, Chinese, Japanese, Clowns and Statuary, 
jjev^-'^ws, Drunkards, Lunatics, Idiots, Misers, Rogues. 

Address Orders to 
THE DRAMATIC PUBLISHING COMPANY 

«^HICAGO, E-LINOIS 



PLAYS 



017 400 234 



And Entertainment Books. 

^JWEING the largest theatrical booksellers in 
>^ the United States, we keep in stock the most 
complete and best assorted lines of plays and en- 
tertainment books to be found anywhere. 

We can supply any play or book pub- 
lished. We have issued a catalogue of the best 
plays and entertainment books published in 
America and England. It contains a full 
description of each play, giving number of char- 
acters, time of plajdng, scenery, costumes, etc. 
This catalogue will be sent free on application. 

The plays described are suitable for ama- 
teurs and professionals, and nearly all of them 
may be played free of royalty. Persons inter- 
ested in dramatic books should examine our cat- 
alogue before ordering elsewhere. 

We also carry a full line of grease paints, 
face powders, hair goods, and other * 'make-up'* 
materials. 

The Dramatic Publishing Company 
CHICAGO 



